7. Saying yes too much
Most people are afraid to say no. Maybe you don’t want to let people down. Maybe you are uncomfortable with the word no. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. What matters is this: If you keep saying yes, you’re living someone else’s life. Think about it. Deep down, we all know that’s true. We’re not even in control of our own time. Want to take full control of your life? Say no to a million things and yes to a few things that matter.

We have good reasons to fear saying no. We worry we’ll miss out on a great opportunity. We’re scared of rocking the boat, stirring things up, burning bridges. We can’t bear the thought of disappointing someone we respect and like. None of this makes us a bad person. It’s a natural part of being human. Yet as hard as it can be to say no to someone, failing to do so can cause us to miss out on something far more important.

A second reason why it is hard to choose what is essential in the moment is as simple as an innate fear of social awkwardness. The fact is, we as humans are wired to want to get along with others. After all, thousands of years ago when we all lived in tribes of hunter gatherers, our survival depended on it. And while conforming to what people in a group expect of us – what psychologists call normative conformity – is no longer a matter of life and death, the desire is still deeply ingrained in us.7 This is why, whether it’s an old friend who invites you to dinner or a boss who asks you to take on an important and high-profile project, or a neighbour who begs you to help with the school cake sale, the very thought of saying no literally brings us physical discomfort. We feel guilty. We don’t want to let someone down. We are worried about damaging the relationship. But these emotions muddle our clarity. They distract us from the reality of the fact that either we can say no and regret it for a few minutes, or we can say yes and regret it for days, weeks, months, or even years.

What's more, it's not as though the fixed mindset wants to leave gracefully. If the fixed mindset has been controlling your internal monologue, it can say some pretty strong thing to you...The fixed mindset once offered you a refuge from that very feeling, and it offers it to you again.
Don't take it.

SAYING “NO” GRACEFULLY DOESN’T HAVE TO MEAN USING THE WORD NO

When you get to those edges where you say, “I can’t handle that” or “I’m not going to do that,” take a look at the mindset you are holding onto. There is the root of your suffering. That’s where your mind is in relation to what is.

instead of politely declining, you worry about that fear of judgment and hear yourself say, “Sure, let’s do it!” while your brain is screaming, Say no! Say no! According to Dr. Vora, that’s a false yes.

old patterns do not give up easily. they will try to keep pulling you into reactions that lead into repeating the past. but in time, after not feeding them for a while and continually practicing your ability to pause and respond, they weaken and become easier to let go. they may still appear as an option occasionally but will not have the same strength as before. this is the turning point, the shift that changes everything, the leap forward you have been waiting for, the victory when it becomes clear that you have moved

The only way out of this trap is to learn to say no firmly, resolutely, and yet gracefully. Because once we do, we find, not only that our fears of disappointing or angering others were exaggerated, but that people actually respect us more. Since becoming an Essentialist I have found it almost universally true that people respect and admire those with the courage of conviction to say no.

And it comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don’t get on the wrong track or try to do too much. We’re always thinking about new markets we could enter, but it’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.

Another thing to watch out for is your own doubt. Doubt is one of the ways that your old patterns will try to defend themselves. The conditioning of the mind wants to just repeat the past over and over again, and it will try to reject new things.

"Keep saying no to her,
Since she was a baby.
Keep saying no to her,
Not even maybe.

from "Why?" by the Byrds"

People are creatures of habit. That’s why they react to change in such a negative way. They’re used to using something in a certain way and any change upsets the natural order of things. So they push back. They complain. They demand that you revert to the way things were. But that doesn’t mean you should act. Sometimes you need to go ahead with a decision you believe in, even if it’s unpopular at first.

The mind resists change because it wants to remain in the realm of what’s familiar. But when what’s familiar no longer feels good, you must consciously push yourself to practise a new way of being in the world. And when you do so, you’ll begin to emit a new energy from your core, attracting more loving experiences, people and situations into your life.