In the days that follow, he begins to remember things about Moushumi, images that come to him without warning while he is sitting at his desk at work, or during a meeting, or drifting off to sleep, or standing in the mornings under the shower. They are scenes he has carried within him, buried but intact, scenes he has never thought about or had reason to conjure up until now.

To be strong and true had been the most important task he had set himself since early childhood.
Once, as a boy, he had tried to outstare the sun. But before he could tell whether he had really looked at it or not, changes had occurred: the blazing red ball that had been there at first began to whirl, then suddenly dimmed, till it became a cold, bluish-black, flattened disk of iron. He felt he had seen the very essence of the sun....
For a while, wherever he looked he saw the sun's pale afterimage: in the undergrowth; in the shade beneath the trees; even, when he gazed up, in every part of the sky.
The truth was something too dazzling to be looked at directly. And yet, once it had come into one's field of vision, one saw patches of light in all kinds of places: the afterimages of virtue.

-Maestro, si no nos ocultas a los dos prontamente, temo a los demonios que vienen detrás de nosotros; y tan así me lo imagino, que ya me parece que los oigo.
A lo que él contestó:
-Si yo fuera un espejo, no verías en mi tu imagen tan pronto como veo en tu interior. En este momento se cruzaban tus pensamientos con los míos bajo la misma faz y aspecto, de suerte que he deducido de ambos un solo consejo. Si es cierto que la cuesta que hay a nuestra derecha está tan inclinada, que nos permita bajar a la sexta fosa, huiremos de la caza que imaginamos.

"Perhaps the immobility of the things that surround us is forced upon them by our conviction that they are themselves, and not anything else, and by the immobility of our conceptions of them. For it always happened that when I awoke like this, and my mind struggled in an unsuccessful attempt to discover where I was, everything would be moving round me through the darkness: things, places, years. My body, still too heavy with sleep to move, would make an effort to construe the form which its tiredness took as an orientation of its various members, so as to induce from that where the wall lay and the furniture stood, to piece together and to give a name to the house in which it must be living. Its memory, the composite memory of its ribs, knees, and shoulder-blades offered it a whole series of rooms in which it had at one time or another slept; while the unseen walls kept changing, adapting themselves to the shape of each successive room that it remembered, whirling madly through the darkness. And even before my brain, lingering in consideration of when things had happened and of what they had looked like, had collected sufficient impressions to enable it to identify the room, it, my body, would recall from each room in succession what the bed was like, where the doors were, how daylight came in at the windows, whether there was a passage outside, what I had had in my mind when I went to sleep, and had found there when I awoke. The stiffened side underneath my body would, for instance, in trying to fix its position, imagine itself to be lying, face to the wall, in a big bed with a canopy; and at once I would say to myself, "Why, I must have gone to sleep after all, and Mamma never came to say good night!" for I was in the country with my grandfather, who died years ago; and my body, the side upon which I was lying, loyally preserving from the past an impression which my mind should never have forgotten, brought back before my eyes the glimmering flame of the night-lig

"One evening, when we were already resting on the floor of our hut, dead tired, soup bowls in hand, a fellow prisoner rushed in and asked us to run out to the assembly grounds and see the wonderful sunset. Standing outside we saw sinister clouds glowing in the west and the whole sky alive with clouds of ever-changing shapes and colors, from steel blue to blood red. The desolate grey mud huts provided a sharp contrast, while the puddles on the muddy ground reflected the glowing sky. Then, after minutes of moving silence, one prisoner said to another, "How beautiful the world could be...

"He approached the great glass barrier dividing the room, and the speaker at the end of the table. "Cyclops?" he whispered, stepping closer, clearing his tight throat, "Cyclops, it's me, Gordon."
The glow in the pearly lens was subdued. But the row of little lights still flashed — a complex pattern that repeated over and over like an urgent message from a distant ship in some lost code — ever, hypnotically, the same.
Gordon felt a frantic dread rise within him, as when, during his boyhood, he had encountered his grandfather lying perfectly still on the porch swing, and feared to find that the beloved old man had died.
The pattern of lights repeated, over and over.
Gordon wondered. How many people would recall, after the hell of the last seventeen years, that the parity displays of a great supercomputer never repeated themselves? Gordon remembered a cyberneticist friend telling him the patterns of light were like snowflakes, none ever the same as any other.
"Cyclops," he said evenly, "Answer me! I demand you answer — in the name of decency! In the name of the United St — "
He stopped. He couldn't bring himself to meet this lie with another. Here, the only living mind he would fool would be himself.
The room was warmer than it had seemed during his interview. He looked for, and found, the little vents through which cool air could be directed at a visitor seated in the guest chair, giving an impression of great cold just beyond the glass wall.
"Dry ice," he muttered, "to fool the citizens of Oz.

Las palabras se habían desvanecido, y con ellas la significación de las cosas, sus modos de empleo, las débiles marcas que los hombres han trazado en su superficie. Estaba sentado, un poco encorvado, cabizbajo, solo frente a aquella masa negra y nudosa, enteramente bruta y que me daba miedo. Y entonces tuve esa iluminación.

I walked about the isle like a restless spectre, separated from all it loved, and miserable in the separation. When it became noon, and the sun rose higher, I lay down on the grass, and was overpowered by a deep sleep. I had been awake the whole of the preceding night, my nerves were agitated, and my eyes inflamed by watching and misery, The sleep into which I now sunk refreshed me; and when I awoke, I again felt as if I belonged to a race of human beings like myself, and I began to reflect upon what had passed with greater composure; yet still the words of the fiend rung in my ears like a death-knell, they appeared like a dream, yet distinct and oppressive as a reality.

And even before my brain, lingering in consideration of when things had happened and of what they had looked like, had sufficient impressions to enable it to identify the room, it, my body, would recall from each room in succession what the bed was like, where the doors were, how daylight came in at the windows, whether there was a passage outside, what I had had in my mind when I went to sleep, and had found there when I awoke.

So seemed it to me, as I stood at her helm, and for long hours silently guided the way of this fire-ship on the sea. Wrapped, for that interval, in darkness myself, I but the better saw the redness, the madness, the ghastliness of others. The continual sight of the fiend shapes before me, capering half in smoke and half in fire, these at last begat kindred visions in my soul, so soon as I began to yield to that unaccountable drowsiness which ever would come over me at a midnight helm.

As we, or mother Dana, weave and unweave our bodies, Stephen said, from day to day, their molecules shuttled to and fro, so does the artist weave and unweave his image. And as the mole on my right breast is where it was when I was born, though all my body has been woven of new stuff time after time, so through the ghost of the unquiet father the image of the unliving son looks forth. In the intense instant of imagination, when the mind, Shelley says, is a fading coal, that which I was is that which I am and that which in possibility I may come to be. So in the future, the sister of the past, I may see myself as I sit here now but by reflection from that which then I shall be.

I struggled to find the words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words strong enough to hold them. For a long moment, I drowned in them. When I surfaced, I was not the same man I had been. My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?

"عزيزي ثيو:
إلى أين تمضي الحياة بي؟ ما الذي يصنعه العقل بنا؟ إنه يفقد الأشياء بهجتها ويقودنا نحو الكآبة...

... إنني أتعفن مللا لولا ريشتي وألواني هذه، أعيد بها خلق الأشياء من جديد.. كل الأشياء تغدو باردة وباهتة بعدما يطؤها الزمن.. ماذا أصنع؟ أريد أن أبتكر خطوطا وألوانا جديدة، غير تلك التي يتعثر بصرنا بها كل يوم.

كل الألوان القديمة لها بريق حزين في قلبي. هل هي كذلك في الطبيعة أم أن عيني مريضتان؟ ها أنا أعيد رسمها كما أقدح النار الكامنة فيها.

في قلب المأساة ثمة خطوط من البهجة أريد لألواني أن تظهرها، في حقول "الغربان" وسنابل القمح بأعناقها الملوية. وحتى "حذاء الفلاح" الذي يرشح بؤسا ثمة فرح ما أريد أن أقبض عليه بواسطة اللون والحركة... للأشياء القبيحة خصوصية فنية قد لا نجدها في الأشياء الجميلة وعين الفنان لا تخطئ ذلك.

اليوم رسمت صورتي الشخصية ففي كل صباح، عندما أنظر إلى المرآة أقول لنفسي:

أيها الوجه المكرر، يا وجه فانسان القبيح، لماذا لا تتجدد؟

أبصق في المرآة وأخرج ...

واليوم قمت بتشكيل وجهي من جديد، لا كما أرادته الطبيعة، بل كما أريده أن يكون:

عينان ذئبيتان بلا قرار. وجه أخضر ولحية كألسنة النار. كانت الأذن في اللوحة ناشزة لا حاجة بي إليها. أمسكت الريشة، أقصد موس الحلاقة وأزلتها.. يظهر أن الأمر اختلط علي، بين رأسي خارج اللوحة وداخلها... حسنا ماذا سأفعل بتلك الكتلة اللحمية؟

أرسلتها إلى المرأة التي لم تعرف قيمتي وظننت أني أحبها.. لا بأس فلتجتمع الزوائد مع بعضها.. إليك أذني أيتها المرأة الثرثارة، تحدثي إليها... الآن أستطيع أن أسمع وأرى بأصابعي. بل إن إصبعي السادس "الريشة" لتستطيع أكثر من ذلك: إنها ترقص وتب وتداعب بشرة اللوحة...

أجلس متأملاً :

لقد شاخ العالم وكثرت تجاعيده وبدأ وجه اللوحة يسترخي أكثر... آه يا إلهي ماذا باستطاعتي أن أفعل قبل أن يهبط الليل فوق برج الروح؟ الفرشاة. الألوان. و... بسرعة أتداركه: ضربات مستقيمة وقصيرة. حادة ورشيقة..ألواني واضحة وبدائية. أصفر أزرق أحمر.. أريد أن أعيد الأشياء إلى عفويتها كما لو أن العالم قد خرج تواً من بيضته الكونية الأولى.

مازلت أذكر:

كان الوقت غسقا أو ما بعد الغسق وقبل الفجر. اللون الليلكي يبلل خط الأفق... آه من رعشة الليلكي. عندما كنا نخرج إلى البستان لنسرق التوت البري. كنت مستقراً في جوف الشجرة أراقب دودة خضراء وصفراء

I stood before a mirror and said fearfully: “I want to see how I look in the mirror with my eyes closed.”

These wrods of Richter’s, when I first came upon them, made an indescribable commotion in me. As did the following, which seems almost like a corollary of the above — from Novalis:

The seat of the soul is where inner world and outer world touch each other. For nobody knows himself, if he is only himself and not also another one at the same time.

To take possession of one’s transcendental I, to be the I of one’s I, at the same time, as Novalis expressed it again.