I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Take it easy, Norman. When the psychiatrist goes crazy, it's a bad sign.

I was doing something that had become a pattern in my life, and I thought, Well I should go talk to a psychiatrist. When I got into the room, I asked him, 'Do you think that this process could, in any way, damage my creativity?', And he said ´Well, David, I have to be honest; it could´ And I shook his hand and left.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

If you are not a psychiatrist, stay away from idiots.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I'm inclined to believe you need the psychiatrist.

What a doctor I’ve got — he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.

One thought-murder a day keeps the psychiatrist away.

If you are not a psychiatrist, stay away from idiots. They are too stupid to pay a layman for his company.

I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.