7. Saying yes too much
Most people are afraid to say no. Maybe you don’t want to let people down. Maybe you are uncomfortable with the word no. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. What matters is this: If you keep saying yes, you’re living someone else’s life. Think about it. Deep down, we all know that’s true. We’re not even in control of our own time. Want to take full control of your life? Say no to a million things and yes to a few things that matter.

A second reason why it is hard to choose what is essential in the moment is as simple as an innate fear of social awkwardness. The fact is, we as humans are wired to want to get along with others. After all, thousands of years ago when we all lived in tribes of hunter gatherers, our survival depended on it. And while conforming to what people in a group expect of us – what psychologists call normative conformity – is no longer a matter of life and death, the desire is still deeply ingrained in us.7 This is why, whether it’s an old friend who invites you to dinner or a boss who asks you to take on an important and high-profile project, or a neighbour who begs you to help with the school cake sale, the very thought of saying no literally brings us physical discomfort. We feel guilty. We don’t want to let someone down. We are worried about damaging the relationship. But these emotions muddle our clarity. They distract us from the reality of the fact that either we can say no and regret it for a few minutes, or we can say yes and regret it for days, weeks, months, or even years.

The only way out of this trap is to learn to say no firmly, resolutely, and yet gracefully. Because once we do, we find, not only that our fears of disappointing or angering others were exaggerated, but that people actually respect us more. Since becoming an Essentialist I have found it almost universally true that people respect and admire those with the courage of conviction to say no.

instead of politely declining, you worry about that fear of judgment and hear yourself say, “Sure, let’s do it!” while your brain is screaming, Say no! Say no! According to Dr. Vora, that’s a false yes.

Use this rule if you’re often over-committed or too scattered. If you’re not saying ‘HELL YEAH!’ about something, say ‘no.’ When deciding whether to do something, if you feel anything less than ‘Wow! That would be amazing! Absolutely! Hell yeah!’ — then say ‘no.’” — Derek Sivers19

And if you’re wondering why no always trumps yes, it’s because when you’re married it takes two to say yes but only one to say no. Besides, there’s no risk in saying no. No means everything stays the same, you’re in control, and you don’t feel like you’ve lost out on anything. No is safe, no is always safe, but saying yes is dangerous because anything can happen.

And it comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don’t get on the wrong track or try to do too much. We’re always thinking about new markets we could enter, but it’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.

SAYING “NO” GRACEFULLY DOESN’T HAVE TO MEAN USING THE WORD NO

Being needed is incredibly satisfying, and helping others can be deeply fulfilling. Focusing on our own goals to the exclusion of others, especially the causes and the people we value the most, can feel downright selfish and self-centered. But it doesn’t have to. Master marketer Seth Godin says, “You can say no with respect, you can say no promptly, and you can say no with a lead to someone who might say yes. But just saying yes because you can’t bear the short-term pain of saying no is not going to help you do the work.” Godin gets it. You can keep your yes and say no in a way that works for you and for others.

Most of us feel tired and fatigued these days. I believe that’s because we feel like we need to say “yes” to every opportunity, invite, or request that comes our way. While it’s great to be open-minded and consider options, when you say yes to something, you need to be careful that you’re not inadvertently saying no to yourself and your own needs.

What you say 'no' to is more important than what you say 'yes' to.

It’s easy to say “no!” when there’s a deeper “yes!” burning inside.

than “Wow! That would be amazing! Absolutely! Hell yeah!” then say no.

The two best books are When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith, and How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty, by Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch.