James offers a different way: Hush up, listen carefully, ask questions, don’t jump to conclusions, and put a lid on your anger so you don’t ruin the moment and, perhaps, the relationship.

Slow down, be more strategic, and say no more often.

Keep cool. Anger is not an argument.

Keep cool; anger is not an argument.

In anger we should refrain both from speech and action.

STATE model to communicate without provoking anger or defensiveness: 1. Share your facts — Facts are less controversial, more persuasive, and less insulting than conclusions, so lead with them first. 2. Tell your story — Explain the situation from your point of view, taking care to avoid insulting or judging, which makes the other person feel less safe. 3. Ask for others’ paths — Ask for the other person’s side of the situation, what they intended, and what they want. 4. Talk tentatively — Avoid conclusions, judgments, and ultimatums. 5. Encourage testing — Make suggestions, ask for input, and discuss until you reach a productive and mutually satisfactory course of action.

Let silence be your general rule; or say only what is necessary and in few words.

Stay focused instead of getting offended or off track by others.

When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred.

"If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothin which may tend to its increase. At first, keep quiet and count the days when you were not angry: "I used to be angry every day, then every other day: next, every two, then every three days!" and if you succeed in passing thirty days, sacrifice to the gods in thanksgiving."

We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. Tell a counselor how angry you are. Share it with friends and family. Scream into a pillow. Find ways to get it out without hurting yourself or someone else. Try walking, swimming, gardening — any type of exercise helps you externalize your anger. Do not bottle up anger inside. Instead, explore it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

Things go much better if you slow them down. Give yourself — and the other person — the gift of time: time to take a breath or two, figure out what the other person is really saying, allow the first waves of fight-or-flight reactions to pass through your body, and recognize and restrain impulsive words and actions that you’ll regret later. Those extra seconds before you speak help others feel less like they’re on the receiving end of a rat-a-tat-tat barrage of words and emotional intensity. And the extra seconds give them time to reflect and be less hijacked themselves.

Learn to question yourself: Why this anger or resentment? Where does this incessant need for attention come from? Under such scrutiny, your emotions will lose their hold on you. You will begin to think for yourself instead of reacting to what others give you.

Don’t cry and don’t rage. Understand.