Rodney Dangerfield

The toughest club I worked was owned by a guy named Nunzio. Man, he was tough. One day he said to me, “Kid, you wanna go hunting?” I said, “Okay, I’m game.” And he shot me.

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don’t make it.

Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor — it was self-service.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can’t find him. I don’t know what he looks like.

A belly button is good for only one thing: when you’re lying in bed eating celery, it’s a place to put the salt.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they’re the last ones to know about it.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

This is from an Indian comedian named Charlie Hill: “They say Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean. My people were living here for hundreds and hundreds of years. We never noticed it? “One day the chief took his son to the top of a mountain. As they looked out over the hills and valleys, he spread his arms wide and said, ‘Son, someday none of this will be yours.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

"Когато бях отвлечен като дете моите похитители изпратиха писмо на родителите ми "Платете 5000 долара или ви го връщаме

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.