Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath.

A pun is the lowest form of humor — when you don't think of it first.

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You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow. (Oscar trying to talk his way out of a speeding ticket)

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I've changed, I'm nice to people and I'm not so self-centered. What I'm trying to do now is think of the other person. The only trouble is, I've found that the other person thinks only of himself.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

I envy people who drink — at least they know what to blame everything on.