George Carlin

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.

I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.

Hello. We’re the ones who control your lives. We make the decisions that affect all of you. Isn’t it interesting to know that those who run your lives would have the nerve to tell you about it in this manner? Suffer, you fools. We know everything you do, and we know where you go. What do you think the cameras are for? And the global-positioning satellites? And the Social Security numbers? You belong to us. And it can’t be changed. Sign your petitions, walk your picket lines, bring your lawsuits, cast your votes, and write those stupid letters to whomever you please; you won’t change a thing. Because we control your lives. And we have plans for you. Go back to sleep. THEY

Did you ever eat a whole box of cookies right in a row? Did you ever do that? I don't mean take them into your bedroom or something. I mean open them right up in the kitchen as soon as you get home from the store and eat 'em while you're standing there? Just stare at the toaster while you're eatin' a whole goddamn box of cookies?

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Точно когато открих смисъла на живота те го смениха

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help.

"I don't really, honestly, deep down believe in political action. I think the system contracts and expands as it wants to, it accomodates these changes.. I think the civil rights movement was an accomodation in the part of those who own the country. I think they see where their self-interest lies, they see that a certain amount of freedom seems good, an illusion of liberty. Give these people a voting day every year so that they will have the illusion of meaningless choice. Meaningless choice that we go like slaves and say "oh yea, I voted."

The limits of debate in this country are established before the debate even begins and everyone else is marginalized, they are made to be seen either as communists or some sort of disloyal person, a cook (there's a word), and now it's conspiracy. They made that. Something that should not be even entertained for a minute that powerful MIGHT get together and have a plan. Doesn't happen! You are cook! You are a conspiracy buff!"

"Think of how it all started: America was founded by slave owners who informed us, "All men are created equal." All "men," except Indians, niggers, and women. Remember, the founders were a small group of unelected, white, male, land-holding slave owners who also, by the way, suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. To my mind, that is what's known as being stunningly — and embarrassingly — full of shit."

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with